So, I give you Debunking Horror Nostalgia!
Let’s start
this thing out right. Please understand that I know that what I’m attempting to
accomplish is an impossibility. If there is a horror film you love, or perhaps you saw when you were
young or dating the right person then there is nothing that can be said
about that film that can diminish any bit of the appeal it has for you. For
instance, no matter how awful a film it really might be, “A Nightmare on Elm
Street 3: The Dream Warriors” is a horror masterpiece in my eyes. The place that
it has earned in my heart might have more to do with seeing it when I was at
the right age, and less to do with the acting, plot or special effects. All of
which of course are top notch and if you disagree with me, I will fight you
with my bare hands!
With that
introduction out of the way, I present to you the first film to hit my
nostalgic chopping block…
THE AMITYVILLE HORROR
In case you didn’t
know, The Amityville Horror is an American Horror film made in 1979 that was
based on the novel by Jay Anson which is actually still a good read. The plot
is loosely based on the “real life” supernatural experiences of the Lutz family.
They buy a home on the now infamous Ocean Avenue in Amityville, New York. It’s
the classic young couple buy a haunted house and everything goes to Hell story.
It has spawned several sequels, and a remake which isn’t as bad as you might think.
Now, growing
up I had this deeply instilled impression that The Amityville Horror was some
sort of untouchable horror golden goose. I placed it high on a mental pedestal
besides other films that scared me when I was young. Films like Pet Sematary,
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, and Halloween. But when 17 year old me
bought this on DVD and re-watched it for the first time since renting it on VHS
when I was 10, I was taught a lesson on selective memory.
First, there were a lot of fantastic establishing shots and
the overall look of the film is okay for what it is. The score is a highpoint for
me. And the last bit of good is more of a bad technically. The main
images that stuck with me and the main reason I remember the film being worthwhile in the first place were from the montage shots of the Defeo murders. That’s like only remembering the
volleyball montage from Top Gun and thinking it was a strange homo-erotic beach
flick.
The things
that were supposed to be scary just aren’t.
When Father
Delaney comes to bless the house and the flies swarm, I’ve had more flies on my
sandwich outside of a Panera Bread. GET OUT! Really? You're supposed to be the
personification of pure evil and that’s the best you can muster? 17 house
flies, indigestion and a case of the squinty eyes?
And as if to prove me wrong.
As if to say, “No sarcastic writer guy! I gots more!” Father Delaney becomes a metaphorical Job and falls victim to countless mishaps. He has
blisters after a phone call. His car has brake problems. None of his superiors
in the church believe him or seem to care. Eventually he suffers an all-out
mental breakdown leaving the Lutzes to tend to their own problems. This whole
chain of events plays out more like a Benny Hill sketch than a sub plot to a
horror film.
Meanwhile,
George played by James Brolin slowly turns into a poor man’s Jack Torrence and develops
an interest in temperature control and fire stoking persistence. Mrs. Lutz is
seeing pig eyes in windows. The kids are having windows fall on their hands and
special meetings with imaginary friends in hostile places. Even the family dog
is taking part in the abuse by taking an interest in carpentry. None of this is
mildly scary. It’s barely interesting. If anything, I’d suspect there was a gas
leak before ghosts.
Then the
bubbling from the toilet starts alongside the bloody walls. Then there’s the
3:15 am angle. They’re trying so hard to scare us that they’ve forgotten that
it has to kind of, at least a little, make sense. Eventually they learn about
an Indian burial ground, a devil worshiper guy named Ketchup or Ketchum and
during a rainstorm the Lutz's grow weary of the supernatural abuse and they leave
to another state.
If you need
to soak this story in, READ THE BOOK or watch the remake staring Van Wilder which is actually better. While I will never watch this again unless I need
something to sleep to, the dialogue makes things just a little easier to
swallow. I’ll leave you with a few of my
favorite lines.
“I think it's bureaucratical bullshit! What
do you think I am? I am not some pink-cheeked seminarian who doesn't know the
difference between the supernatural and a bad clam!” Father Delaney
“I'd blame Detroit a lot faster than the
Devil. It seems like every month there's some kind of recall.” Father Ryan
“I'm coming apart! Oh, mother of God, I'm
coming apart!” George Lutz
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